It has been a little more than two years since I last posted here. I have decided to make writing a more regular part of my life, and so I am hoping to occasionally start writing and updating here. Today I wrote a poem-- my first in years (and years). I had a writing prompt of "Write a poem with the title 'What We Said.'" As I revise and rework it, I will possibly post those revisions.
What We Said
We hike the Spring Mountains,
our feet threading through sandstone,
Blackbrush Shrub, and Juniper.
Again and again we come
here, remember here.
We are like a flock of sparrows
stitching up the sky,
trying to say
We hold pieces of sky, rock
and memory in our wings.
Scrap by scrap we make
something seamless, forgiving.
There are Desert Poppy sometimes.
opening to bright yellow mouths.
They are almost
I want to tell them
that I hear their hushed
secrets. That in return
I will leave mine
in my footsteps behind.
Only the stars will see.
After we have fallen
asleep, they will study
our shared words--
soft, sad, and brilliant.
I just laid you down after rocking and singing you to sleep on your first birthday. We have had a fun, full day celebrating the day you were born.
When you first woke up this morning I sang you the Happy Birthday song, and you smiled the whole time. It wasn't long until Vaughn and Mason woke up and joined us, so excited to celebrate your birthday.
You played with your brothers in the morning and had hootenanny for breakfast (one of your favorites!). After getting you down for your morning nap we got the house all decorated for your birthday party. Vaughn and Mason worked so hard making decorations and setting things up.
They made tinfoil stars that they hung from the ceiling, snowflakes that they hung on the walls, and a poster just for you (in Seahawks colors, because you are one of their biggest fans!). They helped blow up tons of balloons that they put all over the room.
I wish I could have captured your face when you woke up and saw the room. You stared in awe for a moment and then broke out in the hugest smile and started pointing at the stars and balloons. As soon as we started calling them stars you started repeating the word and kept saying "star! Star!" all day long. You were so excited.
After your second nap and Dad getting home from work, we had a yummy dinner, then went to play at the park and get frozen yogurt.
You loved playing in the grass, playing ball with Dad and the boys, and eating rocks (and then frozen yogurt later). :-)
Conrad, I've loved thinking about you today and how special you are to me, and that day one year ago when I finally had you in my arms. We wanted you so badly for our family. The year before we found out we were pregnant was such a hard one. We were dealing with the heartache and grief of your older brother Adam passing away, and before getting pregnant with you I had several miscarriages. I didn't know if that longing for another baby would ever stop.
There was still that sliver of hope in my heart though. That some day, if it was right for our family, we would have you.
And here you are. You are so bright and beautiful, and happy. You smile and wave and say hi to the world and people around you. I believe that even though you are still just a baby, that you care deeply about the people around you and how they are feeling.
You are so smart and already say so many words and communicate with us so easily. You love books and reading your favorite stories. You busily and happily explore the world around you, and play with your brothers.
You are the cutest, sweetest boy, and we feel so lucky— so blessed to have you in our family.
I love you so much little Conrad Craig. Thank you for all the smiles and happiness you bring to me. I love you so so so so much.
It's been two years since I held you in my hospital room for the first and last time, and cried onto your lifeless little body. My whole soul ached in that moment, and it still aches with your loss, my sweet little baby boy. There hasn't been a day in the two years since saying goodbye to you, that I haven't thought of you.
Oh, how I wish I could hold you again, and kiss those sweet cheeks, and tell you how much I love you and miss you.
This morning, Vaughn said to Dad: "It's Adam's birthday! I was talking to him this morning. I was looking up to the ceiling and talking to him. He wasn't in the ceiling, he was in Heaven." It made me happy to think of you looking down on your family, and loving and caring for us.
I looked through our pictures of you this morning. Surrounding the pictures of you, there are so many pictures of family-- both before you arrived, and after we lost you.
My mind went back to the long hard weeks before you were here, and I remembered the hours and hours that my parents spent helping my family-- taking care of the boys, taking care of me, taking care of our home. They were there in the hospital room and were able to hold you, and cry with us. They helped plan your memorial service, arrange your beautiful grave site, and all the things that we were unable to do.
I remembered Blake and Sally and Scott and Heidi who came to Las Vegas right after it happened, and took my boys camping, and visited me in the hospital. I remember my Mom, Sally and Heidi coming with me to the funeral home, and sitting next to me while I got to see your body for the last time and say goodbye. It was the hardest part for me.
I remember coming home from the hospital, and the unconditional love that Vaughn, Mason and Rick gave to me. The love hearts that Vaughn kept making for me, that I taped all over the wall. The hundreds of hugs and cuddles that mason gave to me. The tears that Rick shared with me, the small little sweet services he gave to me.
I remembered Craig and Rebecca flying from Texas for the memorial service and to be with us.
I remember the beautiful locket that John and Kim gave me with your picture inside.
I remember my entire family and close friends surrounding me at the service, and the beautiful musical numbers sung, and the beautiful talks given. I remember feeling loved and warm and grateful.
I have pictures of Paul and Beth's family coming to visit the month after, and our visit to the canyon. Both of them playing with my kids in the grass. I remember how the love from my sweet brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephews and the warm sunshine made me feel so happy.
Looking at those pictures were a reminder to me that although there were very hard moments, and hard memories, there are innumerable moments and memories that fill me with happiness-- moments before your loss, and moments that will continue the rest of my life. It was a reminder to me that there is nothing more important in this world than family. They are eternal. They live on. I am blessed with the dearest family, both immediate, and extended. Both here on earth, and beyond my view.
Right now, your little brother, baby Conrad sits jumping and cooing in his jumper. I want to spend this day, cherishing my family, and giving my all to them. I want to remember you, my sweet baby, and with all the wishing and wanting and longing for you, I want to also remember the joy surrounding your loss, and be grateful for what I do have.
I love you so much. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I hope you can feel my love today.
It's fall here in Vegas. Yesterday and today it has been raining and so very cozy. Rain is so rare here, that I love the days that we can curl up and enjoy some storms.
Last week we gathered up a couple of our favorite friends and went a little ways into Red Rock Canyon to Spring Mountain Ranch. We had fun playing in the leaves, painting some pictures and exploring.
It was a beautiful afternoon-- golden and warm and fun. I love living so close to such beautiful places. I love having fun friends who will come play with us in our favorite places. I love where I live.
You are three-and-a-half months old.
You are squishy, and smiley, and cuddly, and so so very sweet.
You happily stay right next to me in the wrap most of the day
and at night you curl right into the space next to me and sleep.
You are just starting to laugh and are so ticklish on your legs and belly and arms.
You hate taking a pacifier and make the most disgusted face when I try to give you one.
Sometimes you even gag.
You love chewing on your fingers and hands, and are just starting to grab at things to put in your mouth.
You are a champion nurser and haven't given me any problems even in the beginning.
You think your two older brothers are the most interesting thing in the world,
and they think you are the most interesting thing in the world.
They often fight about who gets to hold you and who got the most smiles out of you.
They laugh at every funny sound you make and love it if I have you pretend to punch and kick them.
You love it when I sing to you and read you stories.
You like to sing with me sometimes, and are starting to get talkative.
We love it when you talk to us.
You don't like it when Dad tries to hold you and you are tired and hungry.
You are fascinated by his glasses and love to stare at them.
When you are lying down you kick your legs and arms like crazy.
You open your eyes so big in any new situation and look really scared, which always makes us laugh.
You have brought us so much joy by coming to our home.
Every single one of us adores you.
Every time you smile at me, my whole soul lights up.
You are my baby. My blessing. My sweet Conrad Craig.
I love you so much little boy.
More than I will ever be able to explain in words.