Today I went into the mortuary with my Mom and two of my sisters-in-law and brought the clothes, hat, and booties that my sweet baby Adam will wear to be buried in, and got to see him and say goodbye to him for the last time. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. My whole body and soul ached and longed to be able to hold my baby. I wanted him to open his eyes. To breath. And to be able to tell him how much I loved him, and how sorry I am that I won't get to be his Mom here in this life. There he was-- so sweet and beautiful wearing the clothes that we planned to bless him in. My little Adam.
Oh, how my heart aches.
Tonight I packed my bag so that we can make the trip to bury our baby. It is the same bag that I packed a week ago in preparation to go to the hospital the next morning to get a c-section. I felt him move all night, and even felt him move on the car ride to the hospital. The day before I had a non-stress test, and he passed with flying colors. It wasn't until they hooked me up to the monitor, in preparation for the surgery, that we found out he was gone.
It is too difficult to describe right now the hours that followed that moment. Some day I might be able to process those memories, and maybe even share some of them, but they are still too raw-- too sacred.
On Friday night, when I was released from the hospital I came home and sat in my chair and picked up my scriptures. They opened up exactly to St. Matthew, chapter 11. I read through the chapter, and there in the last three versus, was a message that I believe was God speaking directly to my heart:
Never has any verse of scripture given me such comfort and hope. I lay for hours thinking about these versus, and what exactly it means to come unto Him and to take His yoke upon me. I remembered singing these versus of scripture in the Messiah as a solo. I love the music from that movement.
Even though my heart aches, it is also full of love. For my friends, and especially for my family. My love for Rick and my boys and each of my family members has grown in ways that I never knew it could in this past week. There are no other people that I would choose to walk through this life with.
I know that I have a Heavenly Father and that He loves me. That He loves my baby. He has promised me that if will only come unto him that he will ease my burden and make it lighter. I am so grateful for that. I'm grateful that I can be with my family forever, and that someday I will get to see Adam again.
I wanted to share the music that has brought me so much comfort these past few days from the Messiah. It is such a beautiful piece of music.