I expected this January to be one of hellos. Hello new baby. Hello new year. Hello new goals. I suppose in many ways it is the beginning of a whole new life for us. An opportunity to grow and learn in ways that we never expected to. But right now it feels like a month of goodbyes. We started off the month losing our baby Adam just hours before we were expecting to welcome him into our lives.
I miss my baby so much at this moment that my whole body just aches. I want so much to hold him in my arms and kiss the top of his head, and look at his little fingers and toes. I want to wake up in the middle of the night with him. I want to take care of his every need. I just want my baby.
My life is a mess right now. I found out last week that our house sold, which is wonderful for us, but we also learned that we only have two weeks to find a new place to live, and say goodbye to this one. The day after we found out we needed to move, my car, which has always been reliable, wouldn't start. Then the next day when my husband tried to work on it, he also decided to give his truck a tune-up and ended up having a major piece break in half in the process. So...we had for a moment zero working cars, a house to find, and a house to move in two weeks time.
Luckily my husband didn't put it below him to employ some duct tape and glue for that broken part until he has time to get a new part, and now my car will work...sometimes...until we have time to figure out what its problem is .
Luckily we are blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. Amazing, loving, wonderful people who have given so much to us in this last month.
I had a friend call me today who told me if she was in my shoes right now that she thinks she would be pulling all her hair out or in a comatose state. I laughed and told her that the only reason I wasn't having a nervous breakdown was because everyone is doing so much for me. This same friend also brought me a delicious blueberry apple crisp tonight, just out of the oven, and some vanilla ice cream. I love the friends and family in my life so much.
In some ways I am grateful to be moving at such short notice and so close to the loss of our baby because it has given my mind a focus on something other than Adam, but in other ways I feel bad that I'm not giving him enough of my time. I am still his Mom. If he was here I'd be spending my entire day and night taking care of him. I still feel like he deserves and needs my time, but it's hard to know how to direct that time.
The other day one of my dearest friends texted me. She said "Go look at the sky! What a beautiful sunset, thinking of you and hoping today was a good day. Love you!" Right before I read the text I had stood up and looked out the window and thought what a beautiful sunset it was. Her text inspired me to take a moment to myself and really soak it up. I went out in the backyard by myself and laid in the hammock and watched the beautiful sunset roll away while I cried.
I thought about a moment in the hospital two days after we lost Adam that Rick and I sat in my hospital bed together cuddling and visiting and crying together. We talked about ways that we want to improve our lives so that we can become stronger as a family. We talked about how we wanted to be worthy and to be prepared to see him again and raise him in the next life.
Last month I had decided that I wouldn't make any goals for the new year since I would be busy with a baby. Instead, I had decided that I would have a theme for the year. I had decided that my them would be "Be Prepared." I had pictured focusing on food storage and finances. Now that theme has so much more depth and meaning to me. I want to be prepared in every way to live up to my potential. To be the mother and wife and friend that I was born to be.
So I'm ending this month-- this hard hard month-- saying my hellos and my goodbyes, and hoping for bright tomorrows.