Today has been a rough day.

I just recently found out that we were expecting another baby.  I took a pregnancy test and had those two pink lines show up.  I was so excited and happy.  I went into the Dr's office and a blood test confirmed it, but they also said that my HCG levels and progesterone levels were low.  I was worried, but also decided that it was out of my control, and that I didn't want to waste my time worrying about things that I had little or no control of.

Rick and I went out to dinner to celebrate.  I felt so happy with him in the Thai restaurant, sipping hot coconut shrimp soup, and talking about when our baby would come, and if we thought it would be a girl or a boy.

Hours after getting home I started bleeding, and that excitement I felt in knowing that we would be bringing a new baby to our life, instead dissolved into sadness and loneliness.

This morning I was searching for something comforting to read, and happened to flip open to this LDS General Conference talk.  I loved it.  In it Elder Packer says:

Another young couple tearfully told me they had just come from a doctor where they were told they would be unable to have children of their own. They were brokenhearted with the news. They were surprised when I told them that they were actually quite fortunate. They wondered why I would say such a thing. I told them their state was infinitely better than that of other couples who were capable of being parents but who rejected and selfishly avoided that responsibility.
I told them, “At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”

I've been thinking all day about the importance of the wanting.  We all experience wanting in this life-- and many times those wants are not given right away or maybe even at all, but there is something beautiful about the wanting-- especially if those wants are centered on good things.  

My Grandma called me in the afternoon, and she told me how much she loved me, and how much she loved Rick and the boys.  She is so special to me.  I spent so many hours of my childhood in her quiet and clean home.  I can still remember all the smells of her home, and the tastes of her fresh garden food, and the sound of her sewing machine making me new clothes, and her visiting with me about my life.

After visiting with her on the phone, I thought back to when I was pregnant with Vaughn.  I was at work, on my lunch break, and my heart was heavy, because I knew I was going to have to work after having him, and I wanted so badly to stay home with him.  I didn't want to put him in daycare, but I couldn't see in that moment how all the puzzle pieces would fit together.  I remember walking around our work courtyard, my mind and heart in prayer.  I was pleading with God, and I made Him a promise on that day.  I told Him that if he could please work out a way that I could someday stay home with my baby that I promised I would be the best Mom that I knew how to be.

A little less than a month later, my Grandma called me and told me that she wanted to come live with us and babysit Vaughn while I worked.  She was the answer to my prayers.  Never once while I was away did I worry about the hands he was in.  I'd come home to a happy, clean, and smiling baby, and a clean home with our laundry all cleaned and folded.  For seven months my sweet Grandma lived with us, and helped us so much.  I got to know her in a way that I hadn't ever known her before, and I believe that it was also an answer to her prayers as well.

Vaughn still has the sweetest and most loving connection to Grandma Fitz.  Even when he was an energetic one and two-year-old who wouldn't sit still for a moment, every time we had a visit with Grandma, he would go sit so sweetly and quietly with her for the longest time.  He still does.

Right when my Grandma was going to be leaving, I told my work that I was probably going to be pursing a teaching position in the next few months.  They decided to let me go, which gave me unemployment for 6 months, and allowed me to stay home.  As soon as the unemployment ended, Rick went from a contractor to an employee at his company, and had his salary almost double, and I have stayed home with my babies ever since.  God answered my prayers from that day in the courtyard, and though I haven't been perfect, I have tried to be the best mom that I know how to be.

I don't know what our future holds for us.  If the deep want of another sweet little baby, and all those sweet moments that come with them will come to our home.  I only have hope.  And faith that God knows my heart and the desires that are in it.  And that if there is another sweet spirit who should come to our family, He will find a way to get them here.