1.03.2014

Dear Adam,

It's been two years since I held you in my hospital room for the first and last time, and cried onto your lifeless little body. My whole soul ached in that moment, and it still aches with your loss, my sweet little baby boy. There hasn't been a day in the two years since saying goodbye to you, that I haven't thought of you. 

Oh, how I wish I could hold you again, and kiss those sweet cheeks, and tell you how much I love you and miss you.

This morning, Vaughn said to Dad: "It's Adam's birthday! I was talking to him this morning. I was looking up to the ceiling and talking to him. He wasn't in the ceiling, he was in Heaven." It made me happy to think of you looking down on your family, and loving and caring for us. 

I looked through our pictures of you this morning. Surrounding the pictures of you, there are so many pictures of family-- both before you arrived, and after we lost you. 

My mind went back to the long hard weeks before you were here, and I remembered the hours and hours that my parents spent helping my family-- taking care of the boys, taking care of me, taking care of our home. They were there in the hospital room and were able to hold you, and cry with us. They helped plan your memorial service, arrange your beautiful grave site, and all the things that we were unable to do.

I remembered Blake and Sally and Scott and Heidi who came to Las Vegas right after it happened, and took my boys camping, and visited me in the hospital. I remember my Mom, Sally and Heidi coming with me to the funeral home, and sitting next to me while I got to see your body for the last time and say goodbye. It was the hardest part for me.

I remember coming home from the hospital, and the unconditional love that Vaughn, Mason and Rick gave to me. The love hearts that Vaughn kept making for me, that I taped all over the wall. The hundreds of hugs and cuddles that mason gave to me. The tears that Rick shared with me, the small little sweet services he gave to me. 

I remembered Craig and Rebecca flying from Texas for the memorial service and to be with us. 

I remember the beautiful locket that John and Kim gave me with your picture inside.

I remember my entire family and close friends surrounding me at the service, and the beautiful musical numbers sung, and the beautiful talks given. I remember feeling loved and warm and grateful.

I have pictures of Paul and Beth's family coming to visit the month after, and our visit to the canyon. Both of them playing with my kids in the grass. I remember how the love from my sweet brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephews and the warm sunshine made me feel so happy.

Looking at those pictures were a reminder to me that although there were very hard moments, and hard memories, there are innumerable moments and memories that fill me with happiness-- moments before your loss, and moments that will continue the rest of my life. It was a reminder to me that there is nothing more important in this world than family. They are eternal. They live on. I am blessed with the dearest family, both immediate, and extended. Both here on earth, and beyond my view.

Right now, your little brother, baby Conrad sits jumping and cooing in his jumper. I want to spend this day, cherishing my family, and giving my all to them. I want to remember you, my sweet baby, and with all the wishing and wanting and longing for you, I want to also remember the joy surrounding your loss, and be grateful for what I do have. 

I love you so much. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I hope you can feel my love today.

Love,
Mom